2014. You have been a pain in the ass. You have taught us a lot. You have made us hide, you have made us fight. You have turned the world upside down and opened new doors. You have made us make choices and you have made us stand still waiting. You have made us die, and you have made us try to live.
Sitting here, mind too full to make a single clear thought, I decided to write it all down. Surely I'm not the only one who is confused beyond belief. What kind of world are we living in these days? There were moments when we thought it would get better, but now it's like the 50s with more bombs and no control. Corruption going too far, who do they want to survive? Are they trying to get rid of the middle class and lower class completely. A world made up of cops, The richest families, and a government worth all the secrets in the world. It's enough to make one op out. Maybe that's what they want. It's hard not to feel defeated. Seems like the more we the confused people try to do to make it all better, the worse it gets, the more loop holes they find, the more they tear us down.
Why is race such as issue? We all gotta eat right? We all gotta talk and love right? What does the color of our skin have to do with anything, you bleed just like I do. We all die.
I had a conversation with a co worker at one of my numerous rent paying jobs the other day that left me feeling taken aback. I mentioned that I do not consider myself White, as I am of Puerto Rican decent. I am not fully white nor am I fully hispanic, I always mark the "Other" option. To this my co worker mindlessly implied "Well, but, you LOOK white" This small sentence is exactly what the problem is. Why does it matter what I LOOK like? Did it give them some sort of happiness to tell me that I look white? Why am I not allowed to identify how I want to? It's puzzling me still and this took place about four days ago. It doesn't MATTER that I look white. It doesn't MATTER that anyone is black. For the love of whatever god is around, it doesn't MATTER. LETS JUST LIVE. We create our own cages and the government just laughs at our own self destruction.
This year has been....something...I got dumped by someone who I was with for three years, making a life with, making music with...in turn Broken Fences died...leaving me back at square one in which I still feel like I'm at...I moved out into an interesting house that helped me heal...connected with someone who I had known for awhile but finally went and got that "coffee" with....and then fell in love very much so with this person...they showed me that they actually understood my difficulties..they showed patience when I panicked...it's been a year now and I still can't believe my lucky stars...And now I'm questioning music and what the point is...and what am I doing here in Pittsburgh...what am I doing with this life....feeling stuck at a stand still.....still feeling weird everytime a musician works with my ex fence...feeling the heaviness of society, but wondering what there is that can possibly be done.
Is this where we say "well, it's the little things that matter" ok I get it, but I can't ignore the shit in my back yard.
There are things that I am feeling a tad certain of. I want a home. A place of comfort. In the four years that I have lived here in Pittsburgh, I have moved eight times. I'm tired. I just want a place that I can come to and not give a damn who sees me. I think this is an age thing....Don't worry I don't want to have a baby anytime soon. Actually I want to adopt.
I'm turning 27 in two months. 27. When I was 15 I thought I would join the 27 club, I told myself that so that I could get through another day. But now it's upon us, and there's a heavy veil of confusion and isolation.
What I'm trying to say..is..I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I know people want an album from me, and I'm trying to figure that out. No longer do I want to get screwed around with. I will just do it myself if they don't want to help. We have to help ourselves.
God, I'm tired. Arn't you?