Tonight, I have decided to breathe. A million things have been pulling me in a million directions. The depression and anxiety moved in again, telling me I couldn't do it at all. They are still here, but I'm making them move their stuff to the room down the hall.
One thing that is absolutely clear to me, maybe the only thing right now that is clear, is the fact that I want to use my music to discuss depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I don't know where I'm going with music, I thought I would be further along by now, but with certain set backs, I'm back to a kind of square one, another thing that has been overwhelming. The questions unanswered, no one to ask. Gotta figure it out. Gotta keep moving. Gotta keep fighting. Overwhelming, usually makes it ridiculously hard to get out of bed. I won't even tell you what time I actually forced myself up and to the kitchen to eat something.
This post isn't meant to depress you, it's to show you that if you have depression or anxiety, you are not alone. Though I know knowing that doesn't always help, cause we still have to go through it. But if I could write a song that described your mood, and you put it on when your in bed, and you can cry, or you can dream, or you can feel hopeful. At least you won't be alone anymore with your thoughts. You'll have mine as well.
Depression is like walking around carrying a huge boulder, and looking around at others zooming past, and you're crying, begging for someone to help you carry this boulder. Exhaustion from depression and depression is what is making me miss a show I was going to go to, pretty disappointed in myself, though I know it's for the best that I say home and figure stuff out. I desperately wish I could be with my family right now, they are so far away. Everyone else leaves, but family will always be there. That's what my dad taught me. I have to find a way to go home soon. I miss NYC, I miss the tall buildings, and the swarms of people. I miss not having to drive, I miss not having the responsibility of having a car that people can just break.
Now I'm ranting. Is this helping anyone at all? Or are you just feeling sorry for me now ha
Thing is, I know I'm strong. you're strong. But sometimes we forget, and we can't find it. I can't find it. Maybe I'll go write a song about it. If you are feeling depressed tonight, I hope you read this and know that I'm over here feeling the same way, lost, scared, confused. Don't worry, you're not alone this time.