Who Am I Without You


I'm writing to you from the back yard of the Arthouse. The sun is shining, people are out and about. The only thing wrong with this day is my wonderful boyfriend is not here with me enjoying the air. But soon.

I took a long walk today, doing some thinking. Today I'm all about avoiding having a panic attack, and being productive. Doing laundry, music stuff, taking care of myself. While I could feel the benefits of exercise, a silly thought drifted into my mind. The more I thought about it, the less silly it became, and the more worried I became. 

Who am I without panic attacks?

Yes, I want to get over them. Yes, I hate the debilitating aspect of the chaos that ensures when they occur.  

But I've had them for so long. Will it change how I write music? Will it change my personality? The more I think about this, the more I realize that without panic attacks, I will probably be more happy. It's just such a strange thought. To not have panic attacks. It's just so strange that I wonder and can't really imagine what life would be like. Will it be brighter? Or will nothing change? Will I smile more? Or will I just be a person. I'm not sure. I spend a large part of my day worrying that I will get a panic attack, and then about ten minutes that feel like three hours, having one. Maybe many in one day. Maybe one that goes up and down for literally three hours, like a boiling pot of water that never quite boils to the top. 

I like to think that without them, I will be happier. I know, I know, I will always be a worrier, I don't think there's a cure for that, it might be some maternal thing inside of me oh god, but I'd like to think that I will actually feel more at peace.

So maybe yeah, it will change some aspects, but I think they will be for the better. I mean, not all my songs have to be about the negative, or the helplessness that comes from having them. 

It's just also strange, that as I think about this, it feels like panic attacks are a pet that I own. A pet that I want to get rid of, and yet don't know how to live without. (Side note: I am the biggest animal lover, and will NEVER EVER want to get rid of any pets that I may own in the future) I even gave them a name. It's very separate from me, and yet such a large part of who I feel I am. But it's not. 

I am not controlled by them, no matter if they are a chemical imbalance. 

Today will be a good day. I know it will. And I know that tomorrow may bring a panic attack or two, or maybe not. But one day at a time right? Gradually and slowly, they will leave, like a flower trying to bloom, I will bloom damn it. And panic attacks will be a memory.